Top 16 things a real 12 year old wizard would do.
16. Turn that owl into a Hooters waitress
15. Change Mom into supermodel Heidi Klum, but only for a few seconds at a time. Drive Dad nuts!
14. Screw thumbtacks — put a T-Rex in the teacher’s chair!
13. Use mystical powers to get school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau to sleep with you. Then again, regular kid powers might do the trick.
12. Bring about world peace — through brutal domination with his minions of large-breasted, booger-firing KoolAidMan-bots
11. Grow pubes
10. Make sure he doesn’t develop carpal tunnel from spending too much time “polishing the magic wand”
9. Dad’s salary: $54,000; Young wizard’s allowance: $212,000
8. Replace quavery voice with authoritative James Earl Jones version. For that matter, why stop at the voice?
7. In the middle of the concert, impress his friends by casting a “Britney Blouse Removal” spell
6. Brussels sprouts turn into s’mores the second they hit the plate.
5. Figure out the best place to put the baseball cards in a broom to make cool motor sounds
4. Emergency Embarrassing Erection Elimination
3. Try not to tarnish his reputation. (Oops! That’s what a 38-year old Wizard coming out of retirement would do!)
2. Perform a widespread “nylon-to-cotton-candy” transformation at the girls’ swim meet
1. “I wish I were big — and not the Tom Hanks kind of big, but the Tommy Lee kind of big.”
